On making friends 2...

Oh no. You are 18 and leave school. Some of your friends go to university in a remote part of the country. Some go off to work. As decisive as ever, I head off to college in London and stay living at home. But what does this mean. Yet again I have no friends with me. I have to start all over again.

As I travel to London on the train on the first day, panic sets in. Where am I going? Who will be there? What will they be like? I arrive at the college and find my way to a room filled with lots of new faces to take in. They're all chatting away as if they have known each other for years. Maybe they have. I find a seat. A group of girls start talking to me immediately. Was I comfortable with this? Probably not. I wasn't ready for that kind of interaction. As a lecturer comes in, the room settles as he explains what the day entails.After a very long hour, I head off to pay my grant to the admin team. I am alone again. Lost in a sea of unusual people and strange surroundings.

It is lunchtime and the group of girls from earlier are heading out to explore Leicester Square and what it has to offer. I tag along, feeling uneasy and an outsider. They are all chatting about where they come from and what they want to do. I answer direct questions and listen. That's what I'm good at. I watch people and listen to things around me.

The afternoon brings more of the same. Finding out timetables and where rooms are. Now this I can handle. Sitting in silence and listening. However, my life will change again during this afternoon. My course has been changed and I'm now only doing part of what I want to do. Part has been cut. What do I do? I make a quick exit after we finish to avoid having to talk to the others. I make my way home pondering my options.

Decision made. The next day I go back to college and quit. Was it the easy option? Was it just the change in course that made me give up my college opportunity? Or was it just too daunting to make new friends again? I start looking for work. I had worked in Woolworths at weekends for nearly 4 years and got extra shifts to get myself money. But I needed full time work. This meant applications, interviews, meeting new people and interacting with them.

I hadn't changed since school. Making friends hadn't got easier over those few years. How long will it take until this simple process becomes second nature? Should I have a label? Would I feature somewhere on the autistic spectrum if tested now or back then? Would it have helped me? Who knows?

BASHFUL