On How Do I Feel Today?

Why do I feel different every day? Some days I am really motivated and achieve lots of things I plan to do. Other days I hit rock bottom achieve nothing and just cry.What triggers a good day and a bad day?

Today is a bad day. I got my shopping this morning and did a bit of gardening. By lunchtime I'd had enough. It always seems to hit me about then. I sat down and ate my jacket potato. I then didn't want to get up or do anything. My motivation had gone. I was thinking. Always a bad sign when I stop and think. Nothing good ever comes of this.
Today I was thinking about Friday evening. I'm going out with other Mum's for a 40th birthday. That is not a good thought in itself. But why should this make me feel bad other than we're all getting older? I'll tell you why. I cannot go out in the evening without feeling ill.

It started a couple of years ago. I thought the first time that I'd had too much to drink, but it seems that isn't the case now. I then thought it was to do with eating out. But now that doesn't have to be the case either. The last time, I went to the cinema and was nowhere near food or alcohol. On one occasion I had to walk out of a restaurant leaving my husband eating his starter and main course on his own while I sat outside sobbing and feeling very sick.

It starts as a really hot feeling that works its way all over my body. I feel sick in my throat, yet I have never yet been sick. I can go lightheaded and need to sit down. I need water to drink and splash over me. I cannot work out what makes it happen. I have to loosen clothing. So now I wear the baggiest clothes I can to see if that helps. That looks really great when you want to dress up.
It has ruined two of my birthdays now. I haven't been out at New Year since it started. If I go to someones house I am fine. If I go out during the daytime I am fine.

So is it socialising, food, drink, or just going out in general? Is there a pressure on me to do something or be someone that I have only just started to experience? Am I now expecting to be ill and so becoming ill? Thinking about it certainly makes it worse. Or is it just that I am getting old and my body is falling apart?

What to expect next?

DOPEY

 

On Good Girls and Bad Men...

What makes good girls fall for bad men? What is the attraction? Is unreliability sexy? Or is there some kind of magnetic attraction where North attracts South and like poles repel?

My two closest friends have both done this in the past. Sarah went through a Gothic phase in her life when she went into the sixth form at another school. I didn't understand why she did it. We drifted apart but living opposite each other we still knew what we were up to through parental gossip. She started going out with a guy called Dan. From this point on I barely saw her again. She was round his place almost permanently. There would be nothing wrong with this, other than the fact he'd done time, was covered in tattoos and got into trouble on a frequent basis. One evening she came back to her parents place in tears as he was in hospital having been burnt on the arm by a petrol covered torch during a fight. And guess what, she went back to him. Why? Why would you go back into a situation like that? She moved in with him for a while before she left school completely.
A few years later, she moved into a lovely house with a guy called Adam. It was only round the corner from me so I got back in touch and went to visit. Adam seemed a really nice guy. They were happy together. Both had good jobs. Within a few months of catching up with her she was back at her mum's because she had been hospitalised by the violence he inflicted on her. This time she didn't go back to him. He moved his next victim in and she moved on.
The last man I'm aware of her seeing is the father of her two daughters. He always seemed slimy to me. He was a banker in the city, and a "merchant" one too if you ask me. He had to quit his job after getting so caught up in dealing drugs with his city mates and getting severely into debt that she ended up back at her mum's again, but this time with 2 daughters in tow.
She now lives in a council flat and has a good job in a school. Whether there have been any more men recently I don't know, but if there have I bet I can guess what they were like.

My other friend has been out with some really genuine people that she dumped before too long for someone more exciting. One was a drink driving loser who lost his job through being drunk at work. This happened to be the father of her child. They got married and bought a place together about an hour from her friends and family. After 4 years she got bored and started seeing someone else. I can't blame her though. The pub, gambling and his mates were far more of a draw than her and their son.
She moved back up to be near her friends and family. Unfortunately the adulterer moved in too. He was ok, but had previously tried it on with most of us at works do's. I think he was faithful, but yet again was a drinker and gambler with a lot of debt. They eventually moved out of the rented flat and into a place they part bought. Within a few years she was on her own again. He had done a runner to Europe with the cash from his shop and took a week to appear on the radar again.
Since then she has been through the 25 year old, the 56 year old, the married man, the moody, violent ex-marine and the stalker. She is now planning her wedding to someone who actually seems to be a genuine bloke with no baggage and cares for her.

What has made these friends of mine go for such obvious problems. They are both middle children of 3. Did they rebel with middle child syndrome? Were they just bored with their life and wanted excitement? Or were they just really bad judges of character?

DOC